Lifestyle

Doctor Marion,

My mother is 83 years old and has parkinson's disease (the stiffness in the arms, not the tremors), diabetes, high blood pressure. She recently told me that she is afraid to sleep because she fears dieing. What can I do to help her? I gave her a very mild sleeping pill prescribed by the doctor (which I won't do again) and she was like a zombie the next day. I leave the TV on at times or the radio onto classical music. I also lotion her face with lavendar to help soothe her. I noticed that when anyone is in the room she seems to sleep. I think she wants or needs someone in her room to reassure her. What can I do to help her sleep?

Sharon in Texas, 55

Dear Doctor Marion:

My godmother has had a left hemiplegic stroke recently.  She is Caribbean descent 75 years of age, hypertensive, diabetic suffering with neuropathy and arthritis all over, her body and congestive heart failure. She is intubated and the doctors feel they might have to give her a trachea. Some of the family wants it done and some of my family does not want the trachea done.  What do you think?

I feel she will not have a quality life as we know it.  She is definitely going to be nursing home material.  Everyone now is saying they will help to take care of her.....I know realistically they mean well, but taking care of her in this state is expensive and a lot of work.  What do you think? 

I need other opinions to try to educate my family on the hard work and expense this will entail.  Thank you for your time in this matter.

Jay in California, 33

I am having a problem finding any resources on my situation.  I had just turned 48, my husband 46, when he was critically injured at work resulting in a spinal cord injury, resulting in Brown Sequard Syndrome.  We just received SSDI in June08 after 2 denials and 3 appeals.  He will never be able to work again.  Now, even though the work comp carrier has acknowledged this by agreeing to a hearing only that will reflect their consent that he is 100% disabled, meaning he will go from Temporary Total to Permanent Total.

I have to have help in the home with him.  It can be 2-3 days a week, 4 hrs a day, but as I work 40+ hrs a week, about an hour away, it provides relief that his needs are being met.  He cannot use his left arm and hand. Weakness below injury site, he can fall, never learned how to cook, and should physically never do physical work like housework.  He lives in pain, to do any of the above would add additional pain.

He's had caregiving services, part time for the last yr.  Work comp is wanting to do an ADL assessment and I have no idea what the assessment is going to be like and the outcome.  I know what ADL's are, since I work for a company specializing in senior care.

Any advice, discussion, words of wisdom would be appreciated.  The only thing out there for caregivers is really for people my age taking care of their parents or in-laws..nothing for younger couples.  Thanks again.

Trish in Alabama, 48

My mom has had several stokes and a heart attack. She is doing pretty well but I know she should exercise more.  How can I get her motivated to keep strength up?

Sheila in Colorado, 49

My mother-in-law constantly complains that she can't sleep well. Any help?

Hal in Iowa, 51

I was hoping you could give me some input regarding my 80 year old mother. My parents lived in southern Florida, in a beautiful retirement community that has so many clubs and interesting things to do, that it's like living in a day camp. You need only be in your home to sleep, is how busy you can be down there, if you're so inclined. My dad died early in the summer of 2006. My dad was the "social" one of their relationship, he took full advantage of the many opportunities that their retirement community offered. My mother seldom left the house, other than when my dad drove her to the shopping areas. She really didn't have any friends, or interests outside the home. 99% of her time is spent watching reruns on TV. She bickered a lot with my dad, and picked on him for the slightest things, they didn't have a wonderful relationship.

Since my dad's death, not much has changed for my mom, ther that she hasn't got somebody to pick on. She still rarely leaves the house, other than to shop and most of her time is still spent watching TV (or rather sleeping in front of the blaring TV). She has no interests or hobbies. I strongly suggested that she adopt a small adult dog. We had three dogs when I was growing up, my mother loved them all. Having a dog would force my mother into walking outside a little bit, and be another living thing in her home. Being a dog owner myself, I know how many people you meet when you're out walking the dog, I think it would really be a catalyst for her. It would be something to care for and love, but she refuses to consider getting a pet.

For some time now, my mom has started drinking. In some families having a daily cocktail might be accepted, but my parents never drank. It's not something social, for my mother. My mom has started driving again (she had given it up at least 20 years ago). That might sound like a wonderful burst of enthusiasm for her, but she's a very nervous driver, who frankly shouldn't be on the road. I worry that she's going to go out, and not be able to find her way back home. There are busses in her community that take the residents to the shopping areas, but she refuses to use them.

Through an agency, I've arranged for somebody to come to my mom's home to take her shopping, and to take her to whatever doctor/dentist appointments she might have. This service sends the same helper every week, and would do anything from clean, to do laundry, to sit and play games or go out to eat, anything at all really, if my mom would only agree to it. My mother has the helper stay the bare minimum of time (4 hours once a week), and sends the helper away. I know my mom is depressed, though she would never admit to it. She won't accept any help and is totally against going to something like a widow's support group, or doing some kind of volunteer work, if only to get out of the house for a few hours, and meet some new people. For the winter months, my mom's sister-in-law relocates to a complex near my mother's. During those 6 months, my mom will go out with my aunt, and live a pretty normal life.

Last year, the first after my dad's death, I thought when my aunt went back north my mom would get lonely enough to go out and join one of the many activities in her community or volunteer someplace. I printed out a whole list of local places that needed volunteers, everything from socializing puppies and kittens at an animal shelter, to holding new born babies at a hospital. Complete with contact names and phone numbers. But she didn't contact any of them. She stayed to herself for half the year, until the fall when my aunt went back down to Florida. Another winter has passed, and again my aunt will be going back to her home in the north. This means my mom will "hunker down" and go back to her shut in existence. When I suggest moving, she says that she'll "walk out into traffic" before she would leave her home. (20 years ago she said the same thing when my dad retired, and he wanted to move down to Florida).

At the moment, my mom is pretty healthy physically, for an 80 year old woman. She has some hardening of the arteries, and some circulation issues, but nothing that prevents her from walking. Though, I know she would never tell me if she was having a problem. I live in New England, and can't go down to Florida more than once or twice a year to check on the situation. My mom refuses to come up north to visit me. I found a woman who would drive her to the airport, sit with her until she got on a plane, and I'd arrange with the airline to have them take my mother (with a wheelchair) to the public area where I would meet her. She need not even be conscious to travel in this way, and yet my mother refuses, preferring to sit in her home and sleep in front of the TV, day in, and day out. My dad left her very comfortable in the financial department, and she could afford to really live a wonderful life. It just seems like such a waste. Any suggestion you might have would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading my message.

Patti in Massachusetts, 49

Doctor Marion,

I am the caregiver of my 100 year old mother. She is up and down at night going to the  bathroom, but in the day time she  doesn't have to go. Is there anything that will allow her to sleep??? And seems to have developed restless leg syndrome. I have taken her off all medication except  her blood pressure medicine, and has helped some. I hope you can give me some suggestions--all our doctor wants to do is give her more pills, which she has NEVER ever been a pill taker.  Thank you.

Sis in Ohio, 72

My mom has Familia Alzheimers'.  I am her caregiver and my husband is my relief.  We would like to know how much sleep is too much.  Mom could sleep the entire night and the next day if I let her.  Her bedtime is between 8:30 and 9:30 at night, waking at 10:00 am, and most days she naps from 2:00 until 4:00.  In the summer she was more active and we were able to take her outdoors, so she woke at 9:00 am and most days skipped a nap, going to bed around 8:30 or 9:00.  She is in the late mid to early late stages of the disease.  My husband thinks she is sleeping to much.  I told him that she has no interests and doesn't know what most things are anymore, so doing things with her is out of the question.  (we dance and sing (she hums) and we walk around the inside of the house, climb stairs (very carefully) she talks to her dolls, and she and I try to hold conversations (short ones) but that is basically all we do.  If you have suggestions on activities for her please feel free to suggest them.  Anyways, I explained this to him, and also to our family doctor who said that there was nothing wrong with allowing her to sleep longer, because there was no way of telling when she might get into the wandering stage and that I should be resting as well.  I would be truly grateful if you would please let me know if you are in agreement with my doctor, and what you deem a reasonable amount of sleep for a person with moderate to severe Alzheimer’s.  Thank you very much.

Deryl in Lousiana, 47

My parents are both in their eighties.  My mother is in reasonably good health, but my father is declining.  He is unable to eat very well, and is losing weight rapidly.  He is mentally alert, but his physical decline is such that he needs help dressing and bathing.  He doesn't want to go out and be with others, because he coughs and salivates and is very self conscious about it.  He realizes he is a burden on my mother and this upsets him.  They both know that they need to be in circumstances where she can have some help caring for him and she can have a life of her own as well.

They have virtually no assets but have a reasonable steady income from pensions.  We're looking for some guidance about the type of options that can work for people in their situation.  Any advice would be welcome.

Bob in Iowa, 55

I know I’m out of balance because I’m now a caregiver for my father (78) on top of being a boss and a parent and a mother.  What can I do to get things back in line?

Sheila in California, 50

I’m always feeling guilty because I don’t know how to be a good caregiver for my father who I have to visit at least 5 times a week.  Please help!

Jackson in Wisconsin, 48

I’m what you would call a working caregiver and I can barely make it through every day right now.  Anything you can suggest to help is much appreciated Doctor Marion.

Charla in Tennesee, 43